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Friday, April 4, 2008, 7:51 AM

I don't know how to start this or even why to. I don't know why and how I can be such a bad friend. Or maybe my friends would have think that long ago, but they keep it inside them. If I were one, please forgive me. If I were the selfish bitch, please forgive me.

I'm so so sorry Fadzil if the messages we texted were rather plain. I'm sorry that my usual replies were not like before. I'm sorry that I don't talk that much to you. It's just awkward. We've been not contacting for a long time, because you're working and I'm schooling. You put aside school while I prioritise my school. I don't know how to help you, I really do want to help you. But I don't know how and when. I'm so sorry Fadzil.

I'm so tired of putting up a sad post. I'm so tired to cry while typing, to let all my tears drop on the keyboard. I'm so tired to fake a happy conversation with people at MSN when I know I feel so sad deep inside. I don't know why am I sad. Isit because of my friends or my emotions are not that stable?

I really can't stand it. If I could have the chance, I really wish to leave everything here and come to Fifi. I do envy her, she's doing good at Aust. She leads a happy life, she has no pressure. Everything seems perfect. While in here, one single mistake could lead to something huge. I don't do any good in studies. It's still mediocre results and I lost many people. Now that I lost them, I don't see any reason why I should stay and hang on.

Isit just my negative feelings or isit retribution? Retribution for taking people for granted? In the first place, do I treat them badly? Did I fail being a friend? Or isit that we lack of communication? I don't know. I just don't know. If only I could have a brain of someone intelligent, someone who knows the definition of friends, someone who can differentiate what good and bad friends are. If only I could.

I'm not cheerful as before. My glum face shows it everytime. I feel LIFELESS. I don't see the sparks I had in my life before. I don't see the thrills, excitement and fun I had anymore. I just can't see it. Maybe God destines my life to be boring, to be dull and to be so plain. Maybe.

If only I could have a wish, I'd pray to God to show me these things just for a day. A day is enough to put a smile on my face for life.

I just feel so sad.